a weekly photo of my sweet boys in 2017.

    ronin, age 5: always wanting to squeeze the $%&@ out of his little brother.
    thurman, age 10 months: always accepting his big brothers rough love.

    my first born

    dear ronin,

    first and foremost i need to say this…i have to say this, i love you and i’m sorry. mommy hasn’t been herself the past few months. i’ve been snappy, impatient, moody, and not present in the way you need and want me to be. you’ve been showing the signs. you’ve been mirroring, projecting the same mood swings as me – you are snappy, impatient, and moody. year five has been rough for you, me, and for us.

    you, my child, are a full blown aries boy. you are fire. you are both macho and mushy in equal parts. you are competitive, stubborn. hardheaded, demanding, and so impulsive. you are also creative, compassionate, empathic, a deep feeler, witty, funny, sweet, and such a little heartthrob. you are so incredibly smart and driven – a true leader. we’re both a lot alike. we’re both ruled by mars, extremely passionate, competitive, strong-willed, emotional, independent, needy, and stubborn.

    you are fire. your mama is water. we clash at times but we also can make this work and nurture our aries / scorpio relationship into something really beautiful. i know it. i feel it.

    i feel your anger. i feel your sadness. in fact, i have felt your anger and sadness since the day your brother was born (and another reason but we will get back to that later). you’re not angry with your brother, but you’re angry with me. i don’t blame you, though. you had me all to yourself for five years. it was just was. you had me, whenever you wanted or needed. i was there 100% of the time – you didn’t have to share me. your brother came alone and everything change for you, but it also changed for me. i miss you. i miss you and us and what we were more than you know, and i know i’m horrible at sharing that feeling with you. i love your brother more than life itself but it doesn’t take away the fact that i do miss OUR time together. i failed you and i promise to change that for you, for us.

    i love both you boys equally and differently, but i do not love one more than the other. you impact me differently than your brother and your brother impacts me differently than you do but you both have molded me into the woman and mother that i am today.

    ronin, i know you’re mad. i know you’re sad. i know you’re confused. five hasn’t been the easiest year for you. i don’t blame you for what happened in september. accidents happen and unfortunately, it happened with you. nylon doesn’t blame you. if anything, she still loves you and i know she misses you just as much as you miss her. i know you don’t understand it right now, but we had to give her to a different family for yours and your brothers safety. i know you don’t understand that to the fullest effect but one day you will.

    year number five has been your growing pain year. you have had to deal with a lot this past year. so much change in such a short amount of time. your brother being born (who i know you love and adore even though i know you recently have gotten a little jealous of him), your bite, and the fact that kindergarten hasn’t been all that easy for you on a very unfortunate level. ronin, you’re an amazing kid. i know that things have been a bit whacky for you but things will get better. i promise you that. i promise you that things won’t always be easy but i can promise you that i will always be here for you, whenever you need it.

    i have a lot of fun ideas for us, and i can’t wait to make magical memories with you.

    love your,