32 years around the sun

    To be totally frank with you all, I have a love hate relationship when it comes to my birthday. I would say, though, it leans more to the hate than to the love. It’s not that I haven’t had wonderful birthdays or that I’m not treated like a queen, because I have absolutely had amazing birthdays and always treated like a queen by the ones who love me (especially Micah). I just, well, I have never felt deserving of them.

    Guilt. Shame. Embarrassment.

    A few feelings that tend to pop up either right before or the day of my birthday, and what do you know…that feeling came at me at full speed days before my birthday. Then I attended The Haven Retreat, and that week right there was a “I can’t exactly explain yet” life changing event for me. I met so many amazing women there and learned so much (so much!). Outside of bonding with some really great girls (who turned into sisters), I learned a lot about myself.

    Now I don’t want to get too deep into my experience yet because I want to share that first with my loved ones before sharing it with all of you who have expressed interest in it. What I experienced and gained knowledge in is a chapter in my book that is still there, something that I am still working on. What I am about share with you right now is a chapter I told myself I wanted to close by the time November 19th hit. It was a chapter in my book that I knew I could wash my hands off and finally move on after long talks with my therapist, the info that was given to me on this retreat, meditating, and a good talk with my husband.

    The first one on one session with my therapist was pretty intense; we talked about what my goal was for this experience and we talked a little bit about my abuse. We talked about how I felt like I was stunted in the vulnerability department and how I was very self aware of the things that were channeling in and around me.

    Anyways, lets fast forward to the part that is most relevant to this post – “what is going on in your current life?” My heart started to race, my hands were super clammy, and I honestly felt like I was going to throw up. I was already a ball of emotions and anxiety before I landed in Utah, and had those same feelings whenever we had group therapy or talks about what had happened, but I genuinely didn’t think I’d feel those same feelings right then and there. But, it was like word vomit and everything from last August when a trust line was broken to the most recent events in my life. All out on the table and the feeling of fear made its appearance – fear of being judged by some, half, or all.

    What I heard back was something I honestly didn’t expect to hear. Being guided to something and having a door open that had been closed since I was a childhood was flung open during this talk. Everything, everything that I had been feeling and confused about made so much sense to me.

    I don’t believe that all people are bad but like I shared with a friend yesterday, some people (friendships or relationships) might just be toxic for you. And I’m not saying they are maliciously toxic but some people have their own baggage that they’re dealing with that sometimes paths don’t cross properly. I always heard Micah say things like “some people bring out the worse in each other,” but it never really held any sort of truth until that moment in Utah.

    Triggered.

    Vomit. I really hate that word. I just feel like it’s a word that is just linked to so many bad things. I need to find another word that is better suited for my thoughts. Ha.

    Without knowing it at the time, I was triggered during a trip that I took towards the end of summer. I explained the situation I was in and everything that happened during and after. I talked about how I didn’t know why I felt this eery feeling in my gut but it was there and it was unexplainable, at the time. Of course with more in depth conversations I felt my chest collapsing and realizing why I felt the way that I did.

    *So let me stop right there because that whole part links to my whole entire experience and I want to wait till I share all that with my family and close friends.*

    Shame.

    I didn’t realize how much shame I was carrying around till last week. I carried this shame and allowed it to affect almost every part of my life.

    How did I allow it to affect me? Well, I didn’t speak up. When I would talk about how I want to try out this healthy diet, I would get low key shamed (and so would others any time some sort of diet was talked about). When I would talk about working out, low key shamed (this would manifest in petty instagram stories or just negative comments). Being quiet and in my own thoughts never really bothered me or made me insecure till this past year. Towards the end I would feel this anxiety creep in every morning because I felt like I had to be on my toes, peppy, and smiling. I couldn’t just be myself.

    Then the last straw that broke the camels back; whenever I expressed my feelings of feeling unsafe, putting my marriage in a bad situation, and it not being “right” for me…I was given a bandaid apology with a, “but don’t say anything to anyone” response.

    I remember reading that and feeling absolutely sick to my stomach but not knowing why. Yes, I shared what I shared, but I couldn’t put my finger on why…

    But, then one morning I woke up in a panic and it hit me (because yes, this was something I thought about a lot – felt guilty for sharing), that conversation brought me back to my childhood. Me, expressing my feelings of safety and not feeling right. Them, a bandaid apology with a “don’t say anything” response. I remember being really quiet in a group meeting that day. I remember that day like it was yesterday.

    Forgiveness.

    I took a forgiveness class last week, and it was definitely not what I expected it to be. But, I gained so much knowledge from that class (and the shame class).

    I do want to say this, I forgive myself in the part that I played – the venting or taking part in petty gossip, I am letting myself off the hook with that from here on out. I’m not a bad person. I know my truest self and I know that this past year was not ME. I learned so many lessons after 31. Boy did I ever. I haven’t been practicing what I preach for a good while now, and I caught myself wishing I hadn’t met certain individuals, but that’s just not fair…

    Those individuals allowed me to face myself in the mirror and dig deep. They made me realize that I had a used up bandaid over a very deep wound that needed major healing. I’m not angry or hurt anymore. I know my truth and at the end of the day…that other stuff just doesn’t matter anymore. Like Micah continues to tell me, the ones that truly matter, support me, and know me will always stand by me.

    32 years around the sun.

    So you might be scratching your head and asking yourself, “so what was the point of all this?” I want to keep what happened at 31 with that year. No, I am not hiding it. No, I am not proud of it. But, I am going to officially move on from it and allow myself to grow. I am no longer going to allow myself to feel down because a “friend” doesn’t validate me in person or as STUPID as this may sound…social media. Yes, they were purposely not doing it, and that is on them and that’s their own issues but that is something for me to not worry about. I don’t need to have others validate me. I need to validate myself. I need to know how worthy I am. I need to love myself. I need to have more compassion and forgiveness with myself. No one else needs to be doing that, and I lost that a long time ago.

    32 years around the sun has been a wild ride y’all. I have had so many ups and downs, land flat on my ass moments, married my best friend, birthed two beautiful boys, I have an amazing relationship with my mom, a great family, and I truly do have some really amazing friends in my life.

    I’m pretty blessed.

    I hit rock bottom this year and I refuse to allow it define me as a person. I’m making a promise to myself, no one else, that 32 is going to be the best year yet (and it’s going to stay like that for years to come). Age 31 was just a small chapter in my life and I am officially closing everything up. That small chapter isn’t all of me, but, I will take the opportunity to use it for positive growth. I know it won’t always be “cupcake and rainbows” this year with me going head first on my journey towards healing, but it will be beautiful and completely worth it.

    If you read all this – thank you! This wasn’t easy for me to write because I put it out there that I gossiped or shared information, but I am working on being more transparent and vulnerable with myself, the ones who love me, and you guys. All the love.

    Full Moon Mantra

    “I AM choosing to cleanse myself and release any and all thought forms, beings, situations and energies that are no longer of service to my highest and greater good… across all planes of my existence, across all universes, and across all lifetimes. I ask that all energies that are less than love be transmuted for the highest good of all and so it is. -You Are Luminous”

    A few months ago I posted Happy Full Moon Lunar; sharing what I had read on Alchemy with Ambition, what resonated with me, and I answered some of her questions she had posted. I love when she posts questions on her blog because more often than not, I am able to use them in my life – if I keep an open heart and mind.

    So anyways, I received this email this morning – Supermoon Full Moon In Taurus November 2017: What’s Love Got To Do With It? Everything, That’s What. And you guys – HOLY MOLY. I mean, when I read it and looked at where Taurus was on my chart; my jaw freaking dropped. My sun sign is Scorpio, but I think where it hit me most was Taurus being in my “North Node.” As silly as it may sound, I feel more emotional with this Full Moon coming into play, and maybe it’s because of Scorpio and Taurus.

    Here are a few quotes from articles I was given on “North Node in Taurus.”
    – “In order to heal this energy imbalance of the soul, a critical lesson for these individuals is to learn to empower themselves. They need to shift their focus from defining their self worth via validation from others to discovering and living in accordance with their own true needs, comfort zones and value system.”

    -“A critical lesson that needs to be learnt in this lifetime is to let go of past life behavioural patterns of exchange relationships.”

    -“Having suffered too much drama and trauma either earlier in this life, or in a previous one, you’re suffering now from a slight despair of spirit—one could even say that this Nodal combination has a “forgotten emotional memory” of life at its most tragic.”

    -“What do you truly value? What do you stand for in life? Something in you needs to know yourself deeper and to prove yourself worthy. The old path or habits that need to be left behind involve too much immersion in other people’s dramas…a helping hand is fine, but don’t get embroiled in dramas that aren’t yours.”

    -“Often, the individual is unaware of the war taking place inside, a situation that could go on for years. As time passes he is dumfounded by his inability to progress in life – professionally, emotionally, and spiritually.”

    -“Just remember that the south node represents old patterns of being – patterns that have accumulated over lifetimes that now need to be acknowledged and let go of. The north node, on the other hand, represents the soul’s potential –the direction of the future…the behavioral habits that will lead to greater happiness…the kind of life that will be fulfilling on multiple levels.”

    I’ll stop there – haha. I just found some of these articles so interesting and so true, and yes I’m that weirdo that totally engulfs themselves in astrology and anything and everything that pertains to it.

    So lets get back to what this post was titled – Full Moon Mantra. I really liked that she always puts a Mantra at the end of her posts and thought it would be a good idea to write it down and post my Full Moon Mantra for this months Full Moon. I loved her Mantra and decided to copy hers and add some of my own.

    Full Moon Mantra:
    I release fear and replace it with faith.
    I release this brokenness and replace it with kindness.
    I embrace love as the consciousness for all I think and do.
    I embrace these hard times and know that it is for spiritual growth.
    I infuse love consciousness into my current circumstances knowing this is how things are meant to be and that love is present.
    I let love lead the way, knowing that it will lead me to the best possible outcome.
    I am love, loved and loving.

    I am so glad that I was able to learn about my North Node – knowledge is key. Surrounding myself all things Taurus colors, fragrances, ornaments etc. Reminding myself of my mission that I am on and the unique path/journey to fulfillment. Letting go of all the things that my south node is and being everything that my north node needs me to be – what my moral views have always been.

    source

    November…

    “I keep so much pain inside myself. I grasp my anger and loneliness and hold it in my chest. It has changed me into something I never meant to be. It has transformed me into a person I do no recognize; But I don’t know how to let it go.”

    Some of you have noticed, some may have not, but for the ones that did – I’m sorry. I have received several emails and messages on Instagram/Facebook asking if I’m okay because I haven’t been active on my accounts or my blog – Thank you for caring enough to reach out to me. Like I’ve expressed in vague messages – No, I’m not okay right now but I will be.

    This past year has been…painfully hard. I’ve been dealing with a lot of demons and I’ve allowed my pain to bleed out into parts of my life that I tried so hard to keep from ruining. For far too long I have pushed my pain down, slapped a smile on my face, and kept going…..

    But, it finally all caught up to me.

    I have unknowingly and knowingly, if that even makes sense, allowed what happened to me years ago define big parts of my soul. It hasn’t destroyed me, but it’s been drowning me out and, for the first time in my life – I’m reaching out for help and asking for the ones who love me the most to rally around me. I need it. I have lost big parts of who I am and I want to take control of that and snatch it right back.

    I have made some mistakes this year, big ones, but I’m taking ownership of that and not allowing it to drag me to the dirt. This past week has been emotionally draining on me. I’ve hurt people. I’ve hurt myself. I’ve been (earned it) called a piece of shit and broken, and it sucked, but I understood it.

    I’ve been feeling those feelings about myself, too.

    This isn’t everything that I’ve been feeling or was wanting to share, but it’s the beginning of this journey.

    I know it’s kind of weird that I named this post “November” and that I have a photo of my family, but there’s a reason behind it. In 12 days I will be going to Utah to visit The Haven Retreat. A good friend of mine told me about this place over the summer and I immediately felt drawn to look and go. Of course I had to share the link with Micah, my mama, and Jaymee and they all told me that this would be a wonderful place for me to visit. That it would be good for me. And even though I am scared out of my mind to go to this place, I’m also very excited to start this journey and to truly heal.

    So even though I am petrified, I know I need this. I need heal and love myself because I deserve to be the very best version of myself and my family and the ones who are in my life deserve to have the very best version of Sybi in their life. I love my husband, my boys, my family, and the ones closest to me so much. I need to love myself the way I love them.

    I know that this is only the beginning and when I come back from Utah I plan on seeing a therapist. I haven’t seen a therapist since I was…maybe 15? For so long I thought I could do it all on my own, but the weight is far too much now. So please be patient with me – I’m trying everyday. I know I’m currently in the eye of the storm, but I will make it out of this stronger than I was before…