“There’s chaos in everyone’s heart. Some just grow flowers on it, while others tear it apart.” – Fiphie

    Loving/ I’m loving this Pavlova that I made today. It was the very first time I’ve ever made it, and I actually knocked it out of the park! I know making meringue is kind of hard, but I managed to perfect it. I think I might post a blog post about it. We’ll see.

    Reading/ Again, nothing! What is wrong with me?! I actually have TWO books in my bag so I can read, but I just haven’t picked either of them up. I need to.

    Watching/ Grey’s! I know what you’re thinking!? Does she ever watch anything else? The answer is: I DO! I just have a handful of tv series that just make me feel safe whenever I’m feeling down, or when I just need to. Do you have something like that?! Something you like to watch whenever you just need a *pep* in your step?

    Thinking about/ All the things that I need to prepare for my class next week and all the things that I need to get prepared for Ronin and Thurman. There’s definitely more that I’m thinking about, but all this is school stuff is my main focus right now.

    Surprised by/ How fast life really does move – time moves so freaking fast you guys. Thurman is about to be 18 months on the 23rd and Ronin is starting 1st grade on the 28th! When did all this happen? Now Thurman is showing signs that he may be ready to potty train – what? I literally gave birth to him yesterday!!!!! I’m just so shocked. I’m shocked that I start work again in 2 weeks. Holy wow!

    Making me sad/ Everything that is going on in the world RIGHT NOW. That fact that we are dealing with these roaches – white supremacist and nazi’s. So gross! I mean, is this real life? I’m so over hearing people saying, “it’s getting too political.” I’m sorry…what? This is literally domestic terrorism. I’m so over people.

    Making me happy/ Pavlova, sushi, macarons, my kids, and my husband. The sun that keeps shining and all the love that I have been receiving from my friends. MY BEST FRIEND GETTING ENGAGED over the weekend! I am so freaking happy for them (for her).

    Happy Full Moon Lunar Eclipse

    Many of you may know this (or may not – so fun fact), but I’m such a geek when it comes to all things astrology, horoscope, tarot reading, crystal healing, etc etc etc. I’m into it, and I’ve been into this since I was a really young girl. The only difference between then and now is; I’m more vocal about it.

    Growing up I was always made fun of for my “witchy woo” talks. So naturally, it was just something I kept to myself…unless you were also interested in that stuff, too. I remember hearing things like, “well, I’m a Christian – I don’t mess with that kind of still.”

    Um, okay…I didn’t realize you couldn’t believe in God, believe in science, and also believe in things like your natal chart. There is NOTHING Satanic about that. Guess what? I have my own personal relationship with God. I’m a spiritual person, and honestly, I’ve always been this way. The conformity of religion truly never resonated in me. But, this is not what this post is about, and I personally don’t want to go on my personal rant about all that.

    Maybe next time…

    Any ways, I totally meant to post this yesterday, but, shit happens. About twice a month (free subscription), and some other knick knacks I pay for, I get an email from Alchemy with Ambi. *That’s where I got the quote that’s up above this* She’s amazing, sweet, and so insightful. I’m really grateful for the knowledge that I’m gaining through her emails and blog.

    I really don’t want to repeat what she posted yesterday (because I believe it is something each one of you should go read), but I did want to come on here and highlight on the things that stuck out for me.


    Simply put; change.

    This months theme is change, and you know, I’ve been feeling it. I HAVE BEEN FEELING IT. I know that we are currently in Mercury Retrograde’s phase, and just that alone starts to really affect me. I’m very intuitive when it comes to me, my heart, my mind, and my soul. I know when I’m going through major shifts – growing pains. So I knew it was coming…I felt it.

    It’s crazy, I have been craving change. I think I even mentioned that to my husband a few weeks ago, and look at what the theme is this month?! Not only that, Aquarius is also a big theme here.

    Aquarius (air sign/eleventh sign in the zodiac): “governing friendships, groups/organizations we belong to and causes we support – essentially our soul tribe – as well as our most cherished hopes, wishes and dreams for the future.”

    When I got this email, and REALLY read through this – I was blown away. Knowing what Aquarius meant and knowing that this month was all about change. I think I was floored because I have felt shifts in certain relationships, knowing that my attitude needed to change towards myself and others, changing different things on how I parent and as a wife. I’m changing my position in teaching (I’m no longer a lead infant – I’m a lead toddler teacher). There’s a lot of changes going on around me. So again, just reading all that was wild and really what I needed at the time – right now.

    I snagged these questions from Ambi’s blog post and decided I’d answer them, be transparent with myself (and with you guys), and share them with you all (just in case you guys wanted to answer them for yourself, too).

    1: Where do I feel I ‘stuck’ in life?
    Gosh, where do I even begin? I feel stuck in my head – always overanalyzing my worth and potential. I feel stuck in how I mother and how I am as a wife – always second guessing myself. I feel stuck, in a lot of ways, in my past – my childhood. I feel stuck with the nagging question – “what is my worth and what is my purpose?”

    2: Why do I feel I am stuck?
    Even though we are far from struggling financially – finances get to me…I stress over it too much. My confidence, or lack thereof. Constantly questioning myself, second guessing myself. I personally didn’t even think I’d be here…past 30 (another topic for another post). I also didn’t think I would ever get married/have kids.

    3. What cherished goal am I yet to manifest or feel thwarted in achieving and unable to manifest? Fully healing from my past, writing a book, photography, my creativity shining, traveling the world, really loving ME, talking to younger peers about abuse/struggles, confidence in my readings, beneficial/worthy blog, confidence as a mother, yoga…

    4. Why do others feel I am stuck? (ask trusted people who know you well who will be brutally honest)
    “Because you never saw yourself being married with a kid as young as you were and resented that that happened. That you thought you were destined for much more, but fail to realize you can still achieve every dream you’ve ever had.” -Micah

    5. What change do I wish to manifest/experience in my life?
    I would like to change how I allow my past to affect my confidence and self worth. I’d like to change who I surround myself with people who have similar goals, needs, wants, morals. But, I’d also like to surround myself with people who challenge me.

    6. What do I think I need to change about myself?
    Patience within myself and others. Setting boundaries for myself – I tend to carry a lot of peoples burdens, and in the end, this REALLY rattles me to the core.

    7. What do others (again ask trusted people as above) think I need to change about myself?
    “You need to change…your ability to recognize your worth, potential, and inner/outer beauty.” -Micah

    8. What scenario am I experiencing over and over again in a certain area of life?
    My childhood, being a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I allow it it affect my confidence and self worth.

    9. What do I tell myself about this scenario?
    I would say…that it is exactly what it is – that it is my past and it does not define who I am today. That I have a place on this earth, I am worthy of love and good things happening (and all the good things that have happened).

    10. How can I rewrite this script for this scenario starting with my own character and consciousness? Having patience and giving myself more room for personal grace/forgiveness. Practicing what I preach to others – life is a beautiful, painful, and continuous growth. To not get stuck in my feelings and thoughts. That I’m a good person – heart of gold. BELIEVE THAT. Stop second guessing myself and go with my gut. To not be scared of failure. Trust your mess.

    These questions weren’t very easy and hearing those two answers from Micah weren’t all that great for me to hear, but it was needed. Try these out – write them down on a piece of paper or in a journal. We are always evolving and growing. Always.

    source 2

    Why we brought you…

    I remember sharing my excitement about our future, first family trip together. We had already gone on so many trips with Ro, but we had yet to plan another REAL with you. I also remember the faces and the comments…

    “but he’s so little…he won’t even remember.”
    “I want to take my kid, but whenever he’s Ronin’s age.”
    “I’d rather just go on a trip with xyz, my kids can wait.”
    “we waited till our kids were older – wasteful money and they won’t remember.”

    Those were just some of the comments that were said to me whenever I shared the fact that Thurman was going to be joining us on our family trip/Ronin’s birthday present.

    You guys, I get it. I mean, I remember having those thoughts (but not actually saying them out loud) before kids. It always confused me on why some people would take their infants or toddlers to certain things – like concerts, Disney, etc etc etc.

    The “But, they won’t remember” would creep into my thoughts. Sometimes I would just think, “a festival like this would be way too hot.” Which, in reality, I don’t know if I’d WANT to bring a toddler-ish child to a festival. But, hey, if you do that – power to you! Tell me how you make it through, and what you do if you live in a “Satan level weather heat” state.

    But, lets be serious – is the fact that they “won’t remember” really a REAL and valid reason not to experience…life, together.

    Look, I’m not stupid – I know Thurman won’t remember this trip, ever. But, you know, I will, Micah will, Ronin will, and my mom will. Those memories, those memories are in our memory bank…forever.

    Do you think I remember my infancy/toddler visit to Peru?! Pft, no way! But, my mom does and her eyes light the frick up whenever she has shared stories with me about that trip. Also, pictures. I have pictures and getting to look back on them – the smiles, the mid laugh, the clothes, colors, and all…that shit is magical for ME, too. *I should have asked my mom to scan a photo so I could have shared the beauty around that time – ugh*

    If I have any true regrets about this trip, it would be the fact that I didn’t just bring our Uppababy stroller with us. This stroller was nice, don’t get me wrong, but it sucked whenever Thurman fell asleep. We managed, though. You always do whenever you’re forced to “figure it out.”

    We had ONE major meltdown with Thurman, and that was the VERY LAST day of the trip. He had been in a foreign place for 5+ days, was moving from place to place, and wasn’t really getting the sleep he needed for his little body. It was bound to happen.

    I thought I would panic and would be so embarrassed, but *pats self on back* I surprisingly just tuned everyone else out, and sang and walked around with my sweet boy. He fell asleep right before we went on the Ferris wheel. I soaked in every moment of the Ferris wheel ride – you just have to, because kids grow up way too freaking fast (aka: look at Ronin now).

    I just also want to say this – I know that not every one has the means to go on big vacations. I know that is a privilege, and understand that more than some you may know. I didn’t grow up going on a bunch of trips. We went to Disneyworld the summer after my dad passed. We didn’t have all the money in the world. My mom was a single mom, but she busted her ass to make sure we got what we wanted and what we need. She also made she that we made memories…together.

    Thurman was free ass free. Most places are free if the child is under the age of 3 – free. So really, we only paid for food and souvenirs when it came to him.

    I also don’t think you need to just go on family trips 24/7 to make memories, or neglect your marriage. I believe in self care and I believe that you should always nurture your marriage (relationship). Micah and I have neglected that part of our life, and we have given more of our love in travel to our kids vs to ourselves. Now, don’t get it twisted, we are still very much in love – we just haven’t nurtured our marriage when it comes to trips.

    Ronin will probably remember the majority of this trip, and he will have memories with his brother. Witnessing the laughs, hugs, and kisses between the two will be moments I will never forget. The will be unforgettable. Those particular memories, this trip, will shape Ronin (and even Thurman).

    Micah and I will forever remember this trip – from the moment we boarded the plane (and having to deal with a crying baby pretty much the whole flight there), all the in-between craziness, to the moment we left the plane in Houston.

    I’m really thankful for this trip. This trip brought a lot a light in different places in my life. It was a trip that brought my brother and mom in, and it bonded all of us. It sparked more goals for our future…for our family. We were able to walk and run through this trip through their eyes, and really soak in each day that showed itself. We laughed a lot, I mean a lot.

    My boys, they will forever have some pretty awesome memories with their Nini. I know how much I loved my lita – she was my world. I’m so thankful they have that with my mom. To see her love for them and their love for her. To watch Ronin’s face light up on rides with my mom, and same for Thurman. That is something no one can ever take away from either of them…from us. Yes, Thurman may never remember this trip, but he has pictures and our stories for life. These photographs and stories will forever be told even after my mom passes (which won’t happen though).

    I had so many “this is why” moments, but the moment that truly resonated in me was Disney. I think it’s because it was the trip that most people were kind of “forward” with when it came to sharing their comments with us (me).

    But, the moment was whenever we rode our first ride together. Hearing Thurman’s giggle and looking down to witness that little twinkle in his eye and a smile that literally could have wrapped the world a billion times over. It was seeing his eyes open wide when he saw Mickey. It was every single ride we went on, and literally hearing him squeal. It was his tongue sticking out almost every single time he saw himself. It was that cheesy smile during the parade.

    Those memories…those are MINE. I will forever be imprinted with those moments. Those moments have forever changed me as a mama. I know, cheesy – whatever forever.

    Yeah, Thurman could have stayed with a grandparent while we took Ro on this trip, but I can speak for everyone else on this – we would have not been whole. We would have missed him. I’m sure it’s easier to take the older kid, and I’m not shaming you if you do that – we even thought about it! My thing is, why wait to make memories based on your toddler (or any one else). We just chose to take him because we knew that we wanted ALL of us there. I mean, why not?

    Make memories – for both parties. I promise, you won’t ever regret it.